We all want to spend quality time with family, friends, and loved ones over the festive season, right?
But so quickly, in a moment all those loving feelings can fade away!
WHY? Someone’s ‘hot buttons’ were pressed….
Conflict triggers are your “hot buttons,” the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during conversations. Over the festive season when a wee bit more of that sparkling bubbles are being consumed – hot buttons tend to be triggered even quicker!
While it’s a common expression to say, “He presses my buttons,” or “She’s baiting me,” or “When they are around it presses my hot buttons”.
Your hot buttons say more about you than they do the other person.
You feel triggered during conflict when you perceive the other person’s words or actions as threatening to your identity in some way. Common triggers include real or perceived threats to your competence, worth, independence, and desire to be included.
When Hot buttons Are Pushed
One thing we can’t deny as human beings is that we all have hot buttons.
These “hot buttons,” are things that trigger us and cause us to act in impulsive and unhelpful ways.
Here’s an exercise about becoming aware of our hot buttons and learning how to respond to them more effectively and take the heat off at Christmas time!
Step 1: Identify your hot buttons – for example:
- This makes me so angry…
- It makes me angry when they/he/she says/does….
- I hate it when people…
- I feel offended when…
- I think it is disrespectful and rude to…
- I wish people would just be more…
- I think it would be better if family members would…
- I think my family just doesn’t……
- I did my best but they…..
Step 2: Observe your inner experience
What are you experiencing in your body when a hot button has been pushed:
- What happens in your body? Do you feel heat anywhere? Jittery? Sweaty? Does your heart beat faster? Do you feel a lump in your throat?
- What emotions usually show up? Do you notice anger? Frustration? Annoyance? Sadness?
- What thoughts go through your mind? No one listens to me” No one understands me”. They never see me or hear me!
“How inconsiderate!” “I am so over this!” “How rude”. “I am just not interested in them anymore”
Step 3: Identify your own coping strategies
Ask the question, “What do you tend to do when your hot button has been pushed? How do you deal with it?”
For instance; “Walk away” or do you “Put my headphones on and ignore the person for the rest of the day” or “I express my feelings.” Or I shout at the other person/s
What are the consequences of these strategies?
Do they come across as Passive aggressive? Is it helping the situation? Is it being kind to you or to the other person or to the relationship?
If you tend to walk away: How do you end up feeling? EG. lonely and isolated? sadder and more hurt?
If you tend to yell in frustration: Do you later regret acting this way, and does this rupture the relationship between yourself and the other person?
Step 4: Assess the effectiveness of each strategy that you tend to use
Consider the importance of the relationship:
- What new strategies can you use in the future that can be more effective?
- What steps can you take to prevent your and other people’s hot buttons from being pushed?
- Find out if the perceived threat is actually real
- Identify what you actually need to nurture yourself at that moment
Here’s a bit of how our brain perceives these ‘hot buttons
Your hot buttons trip you up in conflict because they cause you to misinterpret, distort, delete, generalize, close down, lash out or take a side trip down the blame road. They also trigger a set of emotional responses that can escalate the conflict. When you’re triggered, your brain may experience what’s called “neural hijacking.” The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency, and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what’s happening
Everyone’s bait is a little different, so what triggers me may not trigger you. This is why blaming others for angering you isn’t very effective: you waste energy expecting them to change what they’re doing when only you can change your own reactions.
Moving beyond the blame game is learning how to recognize and manage your conflict triggers.
So, the next time you are triggered – Take a DEEP BREATH AND PAUSE!
This sounds so simple, but sometimes we forget to take deep breaths and really give our bodies the oxygen we need. It’s great if you can take ten minutes by yourself to do a breathing timeout, (breathing meditation).
But you can start by merely stopping to take a few deep, cleansing breaths to reduce your level of negative stress in a matter of minutes. If you visualize that you are breathing in serenity and breathing out stress, you will find the positive effects of this exercise to be even more pronounced.
There is so much POWER in that moment of PAUSE and BREATHING!
You can then CHOOSE a more empowering response that is kinder to YOU and will build the relationship and not break it down!
Last thought:
People Are Much More Than Just Their Behaviour
Martin Luther King once said, “I’m talking about a type of love that will cause you to love the person who does the evil deed while hating the deed that the person does”.
The point is that behaving badly does not make someone a bad person. Separating the behavior from the person is really important. People can behave badly when they don’t have the inner resources or ability to behave differently in that instance. It is possible they find themselves in a situation that prevents them from being the best they can be. When someone is behaving badly say to yourself “Don’t take it personally!”
Happy Holidays with much love
Naomi K
Kieswetter Coaching Consultancy 