It’s about …. FINDING LOVE THAT YOU CAN NEVER LOSE!
Dear Online Friends
February is known in South Africa to be the month when lovers express their love for each other on Valentine’s Day! Greeting Cards with red hearts and red roses and gifts are exchanged between loved ones.
I often wonder why it takes a day like this to make such a grandiose gesture! Why not make it a daily, once-a-month gesture, or once-a-week gesture? Husbands, lovers, and wives why not bring your partner a red rose more often to show an external gesture of love? Tell them that you love them every day!
All of these are external gestures of expressing their love for one another, and that’s great! It brings some excitement to the relationship!
For the purpose of this newsletter, I’d like for us to take a moment to reflect upon the internal gestures of love. Firstly towards ourselves, and then, secondly towards our partners and others. I say this because we cannot have a meaningful relationship with anyone if we cannot have one with ourselves first.
I have worked with many people who are so unhappy in their relationships and when we explore their problems, the core reason for their unhappiness is a lack of self-love. In many instances, self-love is lost somewhere amidst self-judgment, low self-esteem, and self-loathe. These individuals are not even aware of these elements controlling their lives and that it is the reason for their unhappiness. Instead, they drown themselves in things outside of their relationships like their careers, sports, material stuff, hobbies, affairs, and even alcohol or other addictive drugs to find happiness.
They have slowly become emotionally crippled in expressing internal gestures of love! They are already in emotional wheelchairs and are not aware of it.
The wonderful thing is that, unlike a physically disabled person in a wheelchair, an emotionally disabled person can be helped!
Self-awareness is the beginning of change! And if your relationship is important to you, then changing will be important to you!
So how do you get started?
Find time to do this exercise – do not rush it.
Step 1. Write down your core values. What is important to you as a person?
Step 2. Now think about your current situation or your relationship and use your core values to answer these questions.
Step 3. (Your desired outcome)
How will you be as a person when you have achieved all your desires?
How will you be as a person when your relationship has meaning and you feel fulfilled?
What does a meaningful relationship mean to you?
Let this be the ground of your core values. It’s the foundation of self-love, self-motivation, and authentic self-empowerment.
When we align ourselves with our core values and operate from a basis of what is most important to us, we live in alignment with our Authentic Selves.
Before doing the next part of this exercise, first pause, and center yourself by taking a few deep breaths, in through your nostrils, and out through your mouth, bringing your awareness into your body. Become aware of your breathing, and your heart beating in your chest, just listen to the sounds of your body and sit in silence. Once your mind and body become calm, ask yourself:
“What is the most important and productive thing that I can do right now, that will bring me closer to my desired outcome?
Allow the appropriate insight to arise in your awareness………
What comes to mind most vividly and feels “right” is what’s most appropriate for your situation or your relationship.
Even if it means not doing anything, but rather Being Present with your circumstance as it is, whether interaction or inner-action or both, it will be the best thing for you!
When you are able to do inner reflection and find your authentic self, your personal relationships will begin to shift in the most amazing ways because you are on a journey of discovering the love that you can never lose!
A journey of Self-Love!
Self-love is the love of oneself. Now, I’m not talking about arrogance or boastfulness.
In 1956 psychologist and social philosopher Erich Fromm proposed that loving oneself is different from being arrogant, conceited, or egocentric. He proposed that loving oneself means caring about oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one’s strengths and weaknesses). He proposed, further, that in order to be able to truly love another person, a person needs first to love oneself in this way.
In fact, the lack of self-love has been the cause of great conflict for some of my clients and the very reason why they have not been successful in relationships!
I wish you more love in your relationships but more importantly, make many more internal loving gestures! It starts with YOU!
Love and hugs
Naomi K
Kieswetter Coaching Consultancy 