Author: kieswettercoaching

It’s about …. FINDING LOVE THAT YOU CAN NEVER LOSE!

Dear Online Friends

February is known in South Africa to be the month when lovers express their love for each other on Valentine’s Day!  Greeting Cards with red hearts and red roses and gifts are exchanged between loved ones.       

I often wonder why it takes a day like this to make such a grandiose gesture! Why not make it a daily, once-a-month gesture, or once-a-week gesture? Husbands, lovers, and wives why not bring your partner a red rose more often to show an external gesture of love? Tell them that you love them every day!

All of these are external gestures of expressing their love for one another, and that’s great! It brings some excitement to the relationship!

For the purpose of this newsletter, I’d like for us to take a moment to reflect upon the internal gestures of love. Firstly towards ourselves, and then, secondly towards our partners and others. I say this because we cannot have a meaningful relationship with anyone if we cannot have one with ourselves first.

I have worked with many people who are so unhappy in their relationships and when we explore their problems, the core reason for their unhappiness is a lack of self-love. In many instances, self-love is lost somewhere amidst self-judgment, low self-esteem, and self-loathe. These individuals are not even aware of these elements controlling their lives and that it is the reason for their unhappiness. Instead, they drown themselves in things outside of their relationships like their careers, sports, material stuff, hobbies, affairs, and even alcohol or other addictive drugs to find happiness.

They have slowly become emotionally crippled in expressing internal gestures of love! They are already in emotional wheelchairs and are not aware of it.

The wonderful thing is that, unlike a physically disabled person in a wheelchair, an emotionally disabled person can be helped!

Self-awareness is the beginning of change! And if your relationship is important to you, then changing will be important to you!

So how do you get started?

Find time to do this exercise – do not rush it.

Step 1. Write down your core values. What is important to you as a person?

Step 2. Now think about your current situation or your relationship and use your core values to answer these questions.

Step 3. (Your desired outcome)

How will you be as a person when you have achieved all your desires?

How will you be as a person when your relationship has meaning and you feel fulfilled?

What does a meaningful relationship mean to you?

Let this be the ground of your core values. It’s the foundation of self-love, self-motivation, and authentic self-empowerment.

When we align ourselves with our core values and operate from a basis of what is most important to us, we live in alignment with our Authentic Selves.

Before doing the next part of this exercise, first pause, and center yourself by taking a few deep breaths, in through your nostrils, and out through your mouth, bringing your awareness into your body. Become aware of your breathing, and your heart beating in your chest, just listen to the sounds of your body and sit in silence. Once your mind and body become calm, ask yourself:

“What is the most important and productive thing that I can do right now, that will bring me closer to my desired outcome?

Allow the appropriate insight to arise in your awareness………

What comes to mind most vividly and feels “right” is what’s most appropriate for your situation or your relationship.

Even if it means not doing anything, but rather Being Present with your circumstance as it is, whether interaction or inner-action or both, it will be the best thing for you!

When you are able to do inner reflection and find your authentic self, your personal relationships will begin to shift in the most amazing ways because you are on a journey of discovering the love that you can never lose!

A journey of Self-Love!

Self-love is the love of oneself. Now, I’m not talking about arrogance or boastfulness.

In 1956 psychologist and social philosopher Erich Fromm proposed that loving oneself is different from being arrogant, conceited, or egocentric. He proposed that loving oneself means caring about oneself, taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one’s strengths and weaknesses). He proposed, further, that in order to be able to truly love another person, a person needs first to love oneself in this way.

In fact, the lack of self-love has been the cause of great conflict for some of my clients and the very reason why they have not been successful in relationships!

I wish you more love in your relationships but more importantly, make many more internal loving gestures! It starts with YOU!

Love and hugs

Naomi K

We all want to spend quality time with family, friends, and loved ones over the festive season, right?

But so quickly, in a moment all those loving feelings can fade away!

WHY? Someone’s ‘hot buttons’ were pressed….

Conflict triggers are your “hot buttons,” the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during conversations. Over the festive season when a wee bit more of that sparkling bubbles are being consumed – hot buttons tend to be triggered even quicker!

While it’s a common expression to say, “He presses my buttons,” or “She’s baiting me,” or “When they are around it presses my hot buttons”.

Your hot buttons say more about you than they do the other person.

You feel triggered during conflict when you perceive the other person’s words or actions as threatening to your identity in some way. Common triggers include real or perceived threats to your competence, worth, independence, and desire to be included.

When Hot buttons Are Pushed

One thing we can’t deny as human beings is that we all have hot buttons.

These “hot buttons,” are things that trigger us and cause us to act in impulsive and unhelpful ways.

Here’s an exercise about becoming aware of our hot buttons and learning how to respond to them more effectively and take the heat off at Christmas time!

Step 1: Identify your hot buttons – for example:

• This makes me so angry…
• It makes me angry when they/he/she says/does….
• I hate it when people…
• I feel offended when…
• I think it is disrespectful and rude to…
• I wish people would just be more…
• I think it would be better if family members would…
• I think my family just doesn’t……
• I did my best but they…..

Step 2: Observe your inner experience

What are you experiencing in your body when a hot button has been pushed:

• What happens in your body? Do you feel heat anywhere? Jittery? Sweaty? Does your heart beat faster? Do you feel a lump in your throat?
• What emotions usually show up? Do you notice anger? Frustration? Annoyance? Sadness?
• What thoughts go through your mind? No one listens to me” No one understands me”. They never see me or hear me!

 “How inconsiderate!” “I am so over this!” “How rude”. “I am just not interested in them anymore”

Step 3: Identify your own coping strategies

Ask the question, “What do you tend to do when your hot button has been pushed? How do you deal with it?”

For instance; “Walk away” or do you “Put my headphones on and ignore the person for the rest of the day” or “I express my feelings.” Or I shout at the other person/s

What are the consequences of these strategies?

Do they come across as Passive aggressive? Is it helping the situation? Is it being kind to you or to the other person or to the relationship?

If you tend to walk away:  How do you end up feeling? EG. lonely and isolated? sadder and more hurt?

 If you tend to yell in frustration: Do you later regret acting this way, and does this rupture the relationship between yourself and the other person?

Step 4: Assess the effectiveness of each strategy that you tend to use

Consider the importance of the relationship:

• What new strategies can you use in the future that can be more effective?
• What steps can you take to prevent your and other people’s hot buttons from being pushed?
• Find out if the perceived threat is actually real
• Identify what you actually need to nurture yourself at that moment

Here’s a bit of how our brain perceives these ‘hot buttons

Your hot buttons trip you up in conflict because they cause you to misinterpret, distort, delete, generalize, close down, lash out or take a side trip down the blame road. They also trigger a set of emotional responses that can escalate the conflict. When you’re triggered, your brain may experience what’s called “neural hijacking.” The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency, and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what’s happening

Everyone’s bait is a little different, so what triggers me may not trigger you. This is why blaming others for angering you isn’t very effective: you waste energy expecting them to change what they’re doing when only you can change your own reactions.

Moving beyond the blame game is learning how to recognize and manage your conflict triggers.

So, the next time you are triggered – Take a DEEP BREATH AND PAUSE!

This sounds so simple, but sometimes we forget to take deep breaths and really give our bodies the oxygen we need. It’s great if you can take ten minutes by yourself to do a breathing timeout, (breathing meditation).

But you can start by merely stopping to take a few deep, cleansing breaths to reduce your level of negative stress in a matter of minutes. If you visualize that you are breathing in serenity and breathing out stress, you will find the positive effects of this exercise to be even more pronounced.

There is so much POWER in that moment of PAUSE and BREATHING!

You can then CHOOSE a more empowering response that is kinder to YOU and will build the relationship and not break it down!

Last thought:

People Are Much More Than Just Their Behaviour

Martin Luther King once said, “I’m talking about a type of love that will cause you to love the person who does the evil deed while hating the deed that the person does”.

The point is that behaving badly does not make someone a bad person. Separating the behavior from the person is really important. People can behave badly when they don’t have the inner resources or ability to behave differently in that instance. It is possible they find themselves in a situation that prevents them from being the best they can be. When someone is behaving badly say to yourself “Don’t take it personally!”

Happy Holidays with much love

Naomi K

Exploring my WHAT – HOW – WHY

It’s about WHAT you do, HOW you do it, and WHY you are

 so passionate about it that really counts!

The decision to finally step out of my 9 – 5 high-paying corporate job, was when my doctor told me that I had Shingles and she encouraged me to ‘manage my stress levels better.

That was the beginning of my newfound freedom a few years ago and I have not looked back ever since!

I had in the past asked myself on many occasions, whilst doing what I do behind a desk in various large corporates;

‘Would you want to do what you’re doing for the rest of your working life?

The answer was always a resounding ‘NO’ but I needed to change something ……

My side hustle was picking up, guests were making regular reservations in my self-catering Airbnb accommodation, and my coaching business was steadily growing.

I WAS THERE…. READY TO STEP OFF THAT 9-5 BUS!

Here I am in 2022 after taking that first step doing what

I love every day and it doesn’t feel like work!

I’d like to share my TOP 5 reasons why I could do that;

Reason no. 1. I could afford to do it – I didn’t have unnecessary debt.

Fortunately, I have never been flashy in terms of spending on luxury items and clothing, but I did invest in my property, to make it work as a business for me, so I didn’t need to worry about an income.

When the covid pandemic and lockdown started, it came with the challenge of International travel bans, which meant no inflow of incoming International guests for me. This very quickly changed the way I operated my AirBnB business. I also could not see coaching clients physically and very quickly I had to learn new ways of working online.

But with behavioural flexibility, I quickly had to step up, and change my business model.

Things started out tight, it was not flowing as it was before the lockdown, but slowly the passive income started working and the business is going well.

Reason no. 2. I am not in competition with anyone – My standard of measure is against myself: I am giving the best of me!

We’ve grown up with the belief that we always have to be better and get better grades than other kids or our siblings. With this mindset, we were always looking for and were trained to want external validation. This limiting belief is why most adults blindly follow a life path they don’t even find purpose in, nor do they love what they do, because they’re always focused on being bigger and better and still trying to impress other people.

My biggest lesson in this is, that even in failing there is learning because in life there is ‘NO failure, only feedback and lessons. So why compare or measure yourself against others? Decide WHAT is important to you and WHY it is important, then HOW you do it, will be as easy as pie; It will not feel like work!

Reason no. 3. Work has never killed anyone – You won’t die from working hard!

My dad was a hard taskmaster. He always said ‘Hard work has never killed anyone. As kids growing up, we all had our chores and they had to be done to my dad’s high standard; or else! That’s where we’ve all learned our strong work ethic. Perhaps a bit to my detriment at times, because it has often led to me being a bit of a ‘perfectionist’, which did not serve others close to me.

With a smile I say…The good news is that with coaching, this limiting belief was unlearned and now the margins have slacked.

What does this have to do with me leaving my 9-5?

I was prepared to roll up my sleeves to do what needed to be done. Nothing is too much for me. As an entrepreneur, be prepared to ‘start at the bottom. You cannot climb a ladder by jumping from the bottom rung straight to the top in one jump. Take small steps, baby steps until you get to the top. It takes courage and consistent effort. When starting your own business, it is important to do what-if analysis to ensure that you are prepared for surprises. Start by writing down all the possible scenarios you can think of and then for each one, write down what you would do, and how you would deal with crises and challenges.

Reason no. 4. Be Grateful for what you DO have – You have enough of everything. You have ALL the resources you need within you.

Even when people have enough money,

they always think that they never have enough money.

So often as business people, we say that we want to sacrifice ourselves to build an empire so that our kids, grandkids and great-grandkids have enough, or never have to work.

But let me ask you; Will your grandkids or great-grandkids even remember your sacrifices in a million years?

One of the life lessons which I’ve always taught my children is that they should be ‘Grateful for what they DO have’ and not worry about what they don’t have.

I use this lesson in my business.

Being grateful for:

• Having the opportunity to be my own boss.
• Having the flexibility of how I spend my time.
• Being creative and not having to answer to an authoritarian boss.
• Not needing to ask for permission to make a decision that serves my higher purpose
• Taking breaks when I need it
• Grateful for the resourcefulness within me
• For the fulfilment and joy of being of service to others
• For the freedom to be creative and innovative and use my skills to design my own course material.

We only have ONE life; make the best of it!

Quality is more important than Quantity

 LIVE NOW in the precious present.

Reason no. 5. Live in my truth with authenticity – Means not tied to business culture and working construct that is constraining who I am essentially and blocking my inner desires and pursuits.

As much as I’ve enjoyed my corporate job, with the realization that my years of expertise and skills added value to the business, there were just too many moments where I felt an incongruence because of how systems, processes and business constructs started corroding my inner being. My zest for life while working in the corporate world started to wane over time and affected my health and general well-being.

The decision to step up, and grow my own business has allowed me to embrace my truth, my purpose and my authenticity. I could embrace my big dream goals; align them with my core values to fulfil my deepest desires to serve others and be the best version of who I am.

Uniquely ME!

With Love

Naomi K

IN STILLNESS WE CAN FIND HOPE

The weeks leading up to Christmas have always been a very special time for me, for as long as I can remember. As a young girl, I loved preparing our home with beautiful decorations and helped my mom with the baking of cakes, biscuits and treats. I just loved the smell of Christmas in our home. I’ve managed to carry on with this tradition in my own home with my children and now with my grandchildren.

Here we find ourselves in 2021 with the pandemic spreading across the globe, and ‘interrupting our normal’ build-up to Christmas. Well, perhaps that’s what it seems like for most of us, right…

I know of family members and people who’ve had to cancel their planned vacations abroad. Planned time with their loved ones and families have been put on hold due to the covid pandemic. So yes, this is disappointing, to say the least.

All of this interruption creates much internal noise and overwhelm, bringing with it stress and anxiety.

Quieting the noise around us and inside us, and refocusing our attention back to our physical, mental and spiritual presence may help us regain control over our experience of the current situation.

This is a very special time, the season of Advent for many across the globe.

Advent Season is a very special time of year that sometimes gets lost in the bright lights, the noises of the Christmas season it precedes.

It is known that the season of Advent symbolizes HOPE, LOVE, JOY and PEACE!

HOPE being one of the candles lit during this time of advent has a new meaning, especially now. There is so much power in hope and interconnectedness as human beings. Having a shared sense of responsibility has seen a world come together in ways that we have not seen in many years.

I’d like to invite you to join me in this Mindfulness practice to find hope in this time of crisis.

HOPE – A silent awareness

We are consciously shifting our attention from any fear-inducing thought patterns about another time, past or future. When we allow our mind to refocus our energy on hope, on creating wishes for a positive state extending out into the future, we create new possibilities in our life to unfold.

Start by focusing on the NOW, what are you becoming aware of in this present moment, focusing on purpose, non-judgementally; this is the true meaning of mindfulness, a commitment to living in the present moment from which hope and a positive future can emerge.

A stillness sets in at the heart of who you are. A silent awareness. The space in which the dance of life is always unfolding. From this stillness, hope can emerge.

You may ask; How can this be?

Well, it can be quite simple really, being Mindful and just becoming aware….

• Using all of your senses to tap into that still ever-present awareness
• Notice any sensations in your body, and tune into the feelings
• Tune into your intuition, your gut feelings
• Perhaps it’s telling you that you are a part of something much larger than yourself
• Opening up your heart and soul and allow your inner wisdom to teach you in this moment.
• Ask your inner wise one, what is the message of HOPE for you right now?

Rumi says, “Listen, silence isn’t empty, it is full of the answers”

Wishing you joy, peace, hope and love over this festive season.

Naomi K

One of the hardest challenges in life is facing the loss of a loved one or family member, especially in death. And during this covid pandemic, many of us have lost a loved one, a family member or a friend. With grief and loss, we experience a wide range of emotions, and that is perfectly normal. We cannot predict how we will cope with grief until it strikes us personally. Each individual experiences grief in their own way, so we cannot tell someone exactly what to do or how to respond to their loss.

Losing a loved one, we are told is a natural part of life and we are also told that we should move on.

Moving on is not that simple right?

The truth is that we never really get over, or move on from losing a loved one. Research shows that as we expand and grow our own lives, we give room for the grief, the loss, the memory, the pain, the sadness and we just get used to living with it in our everyday lives.

For me “getting over” the loss of a loved one, in essence, is not really true, as there are so many memories, thoughts, and so many daily reminders of them.

So how do we give room or space for the grief, the sadness or the loss?

It starts by reflecting on the life of our loved ones and taking the lessons from the experiences which one has made with them.

• Looking back and reviewing the “movie” and then taking out of it only the teachings, the life challenges and how it has been overcome.
• Then implementing it into one’s own life and making the necessary changes and where mistakes have been made, ensuring that it can be improved upon.

In my own life and experience of losing loved ones recently, I have found great comfort in the knowledge that the lessons which I have learnt has added to my expansion and growth and this has been a great help in giving room for my grief. It is certainly aiding the healing process.

Personal and spiritual growth is an ongoing daily soulful work. Our purpose is to grow, expand and be the best version of ourselves.

In addition to spiritual growth, shifting my focus on a purposeful project has indeed had many benefits. For me, it meant managing a minor refurbishment to my home. Something which I’ve wanted to do for a while, now redirecting my attention onto a project meant a balance of energies which brought a certain degree of harmony into my life.

I managed to shift my focus on what matters and realized that life is about finding meaning in mundane things. Gratitude became my daily vitamin dose.

Everyone reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own over time if they have good family and social support. It may take months or a year to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve.

Therefore, it is important to be patient, be kind and gentle with oneself and all those around you affected by the loss.

Here are some ways that have helped me:

After the passing of a loved one, I often stopped at their photograph in the hallway, smiled and thanked them for being a part of my life and for the blessing of having shared precious moments with them.

• Talk about your loved one
• Have conversations with them
• Be grateful for the time that you could spend with them
• Celebrate their life and who they were
• Pray or connect with them in spirit

Our loved ones would want us to be happy and to celebrate their lives!

I send you love and healing prayers

Naomi K

I’VE BOUGHT THE T-SHIRT; I’M WEARING THE T-SHIRT!

“I expect nothing, I fear nothing, I am free”

There’s no denying that the life coaching biz has taken the world by storm. Since Coronavirus emerged, coaches have offered support to people working at home, who would normally work in an office with their fellow colleagues, to help them feel less isolated and able to cope with the challenging circumstances as well as people running their own businesses from home who are feeling stuck and uncertain.

People from all walks of life are now hiring coaches to help them meet both personal and professional goals. More importantly, people from all walks of life are becoming coaches!

If you’re serious about change, then be serious about who you hire! 

I know… I’ve hired a coach many years ago too!

I’ve bought the T-shirt; I’m wearing the T-shirt …it takes years plus a small fortune to be an Internationally Trained and Certified Coach and build experience and lead with evidence!

So….  If you’re looking to engage in the services of a Life Coach, then here are a few considerations about the potential coach;

 Is she/he:

• Passionate about helping you become better versions of yourself?
• Good at talking to people from their heart?
• Good at listening without making assumptions?
• Willing to let you take the lead?

This is where a FREE INTRODUCTORY SESSION can help you to make that very important decision….

A GREAT COACH IS ONE THAT CAN SUPPORT YOU TO:

• Clarify your goals and priorities
• Develop awesome new skills that will come naturally over time
• Get the most out of your strengths.
• Overcome weaknesses
• Expand your comfort zone.
• Expand your thinking.
• Eliminate limiting beliefs that keeps you stuck
• Develop empowering habits and rituals
• Help you navigate through your challenging situations

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had coaching conversations with a couple of individuals who are feeling overwhelmed and facing great challenges in their business, others are working from home during the lockdown.

One such client who owns a Holistic Massage Therapy practice is obviously unable to go to his clients due to the Lockdown rules.

In just a half-hour online coaching conversation with me, he was able to gain more confidence, get clarity about how to move forward in his business and grow his client base in a more creative way. After the session, he told me that he felt more motivated, inspired and can definitely see how making a few adjustments to his business model can help his business to thrive despite the current economic challenges.

By the way, the black T-shirt in the picture was taken on my trip to Poros, a beautiful Greek Island. The phrase “I expect nothing, I fear nothing, I am free” is from a Greek song. Fear stops us from trying something new … it infects our attitude towards life!

What stops you from taking that next step?

Towards your FREEDOM!

Much love

Naomi